I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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