every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
