it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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