Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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