There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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