Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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