My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
