so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
