Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize