last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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