k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I believe in your delicious
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
