my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
