I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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