my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i will never coherently bang her
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
