my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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