Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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