I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
