Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
