I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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