DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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