Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
