Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
