Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
