happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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