break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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