This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
