Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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