Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
