Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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