be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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