Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
