Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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