He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
