she was so not down for the gang bang
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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