I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
