Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
