my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
