It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize