Small penises have feelings too.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
