Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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