Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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