I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
where are my eyebrows?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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