oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
