I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
