So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
