This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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