I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
