I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
