new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
