Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
