non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
