you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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