You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
