Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
