Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
