I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
