Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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